


Cold Nostalgia

by The_IPRE



Series: Elsewhere [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Elsewhere University (Webcomic)
Genre: Alana is Quill, Elsewhere University AU, Evan is Blue, Jared is Jay, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 01:11:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14727116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_IPRE/pseuds/The_IPRE
Summary: Jared's luck is finally pushed too far.





	Cold Nostalgia

Jay knows about the fae’s propensity to steal people that they want; after all, there was no good explanation for his roommate’s changes that first year.

What he doesn’t know is that they think Blue belongs to them.

Jay’s boyfriend is part faerie, after all, and so Blue is considered half  _ theirs _ . The boy didn’t know this, and so he never learned the rules as well as he should have. He didn’t know anything that he needed to, and so came to Elsewhere University completely and woefully lacking any of the skills that he would desperately require.

The fae take Blue and leave a Not Blue in his place, someone with hollowed cheeks and a spine that stabs through the skin and a storm rumbling in his throat. Not Blue mumbles in staticked languages and hangs from surfaces that he shouldn’t be able to and won’t touch the iron rings that he is offered. In all ways other than name, the false student makes no attempt to appear like the boy he is replacing, and his smile is sharper than any knife.

For one of the first times that he is willing to admit, Jay is well and truly afraid.

Quill is better prepared. She knows the rules and the bargains and that if you can find who took your Taken, you can try to get them back. She knows more than Jay ever tried to learn, but that is not the main reason that he goes to her after Blue is Taken. Freshman year, Quill forced Jay to believe, to start a radio show to light the darkness of three in the morning, to realize that he was not alone, and she is one of the few people that he would ever admit to trusting.

He would never admit to caring about her, but she knew it all the same. Quill knew what Jay did not, just as Jay knew what Quill did not. They were balanced, one running out of luck and overflowing with belief and one brimming with knowledge and quickly losing the naïveté of youth.

When the hour of reckoning is chosen, Quill travels back to the deep corner of the library, the one that she would have never dared to go to on her own.  _ That _  is where time is bargained and time, the passage and theft and trading of, is one thing that she is deeply and truly afraid of. (She can’t ever forget the way memories were stolen from her grandmother as Alzheimer's set in and how the passage of time was just one of the many things she could do nothing about.)

She goes to the far corner of the library, the salt in her pockets and iron in her shoes and Jay by her side forming as much protection as she could scrounge up, and she finds The One Who Knows. This faerie is older than time itself and as well versed in its tapestry as it is the books that lined the shelves around it, those deeply hidden and dusty tomes that it had read time and time  and time again as it waited for another desperate child to wander into its web.

Quill swallows, afraid as she faces the concept of history given a not-so-human form, holds Jay’s hand tighter (for a moment they seem like the children they would be anywhere else, dabbling in things too far beyond their comprehension), and speaks. She lets her voice hold the strength of her belief and her protection and her conviction, because for all that she believes in logic and science, what she cares for is the strongest part of her heart.

She speaks with the voice that pushes back the early morning dark, the voice that bubbles over with laughter, the voice that whispers poems of her mind into mikes tuned to capture every sound her mouth produces.

She speaks, and asks for the boy that was Taken to be returned.

Quill has prepared three things that she is willing to offer, because she does not want to let Jay dig himself deeper into this than he already is.

She hopes that the first or the second will be accepted as fair payment, but she knows that three is a good number, a traditional number, a fair number of things to be willing to lose.

She has prepared three items she is willing to lose, and so she speaks.

The first is her shoes, the ones that she has worn every day since arriving at the school (over a year, although the days and the weeks and the months begin to blur after long enough on this campus). In her politest, strongest, most convincing voice, she tells The One Who Knows about how they contain miles walked over the year on campus, the protection offered by the iron in them, the strength of will that built up in the materials.

She tells The One Who Knows about the value they hold and her belief in the power they contain, voice unwavering, but this bargain is rejected. The faerie, the world seeming to slow down or speed up every time it moved one of its gaunt fingers, spoke in a tone as cold as a stone fortress that had stood for decades, centuries, millennium.  _ They Can Be Replaced _ , it said.  _ You Will Have Many More Miles Of Walking That Can Be Contained Within New Footwear. _

Quill nods, accepting its words without protest despite the words that want to bubble from her throat. Jay grits his jaw, feeling wholly out of his element, and the only thing that keeps him from snapping is his friend’s presence by his side. Quill squeezes his hand tightly to keep him from protesting when he hears what the second bargaining piece is, and she spoke.

Ignoring the catch of breath in Jay’s throat, Quill offers the original recordings of their radio shows. They contain the records of life that very little else could hold, the blossoming of a friendship all caught on tape, they shelter truth and reality and their honest voices, which was something rarely found and even more rarely offered.

After spending barely an instant in thought, The One Who Knows refuses her offer yet again, although something flashes in its eyes (eyes like the void, eyes like black holes, eyes that had seen the birth and death of more than one could ever imagine). It says in its voice, dangerous and powerful as the cracking of glaciers, that  _ There Are Many Other Recordings Of Your Shows, And There Will Be Many More. You Speak Every Word With Conviction, So These Are Not As Rare As You Think. _

Quill nods again, once more swallowing down any protest that she wants to make because she knows better than to insult. Beside her, Jay’s teeth start to grind, and he makes little effort to hold back the grimace that his face warps into.

Quill swallows, preparing to make her third offer. Already, her mind swirls in attempts to dredge up something meaningful that would be  _ important _  and  _ clever _  and something that she can lose, but she knows making more than three offers is never wise. Clearing her throat, she makes her final offer, unable to do anything but hope that it is accepted.

27 days without any protection.

No salt, no iron, no red, no clothing inside out. Everything that she carried and adorned herself with every day for years she would forsake for three to the third power days, almost four weeks of vulnerability.  _ I am clever, _  she thinks with a lifted chin, committing herself to the decision.  _ I will survive, and Blue will be brought back, and all will be well. _  Even as the thought of losing her defenses makes her skin prickle and her hair stand on end and a creeping sheen of ice begin to freeze her lungs, she makes the offer of her vulnerability. Jay's hand tightens on hers, but he snaps his mouth shut when she shoots him a look, pleading and strong and resolute all at once.

_ No. _  The One Who Knows says, presence like a supernova, hot and heavy and likely to burn up any who get too close.  _ What Use Is That To Me, The One Who Stays Here For All Time? _

Quill’s breath catches in her throat as her third offer is given and considered and rejected, and for a moment she has nothing to say or think or cajole. Jay's grip is so tight that the imprint of his short nails cut into the back of her hand in crescents, and the words burst out of his mouth before Quill can stop him. Even as he is here, in the presence of a being older than time itself, the reality hasn’t fully set in. All that he can process is that this  _ fucker  _ stole Blue, stole the words from his best friend’s throat, and yet was able to sit there looking as smug as a creature with a face that didn’t line up with human thought could.

Jay’s voice bursts into the room, unrehearsed and shocking Quill out of the frozen state she had been thrown into. “Well, what the fuck do you want?”

A slow smile inches across the face of The One Who Knows. With that, the two humans who stood there understand for the first time the feeling of true fear, and can do nothing but wait as this being that should not exist is given the room to speak and ask and bargain.  _ That's The Real Question Here, Isn't It, _  it says, words clearly not a question, and all that Quill and Jay can do is hold each other's hand just a bit tighter.

When The One Who Knows speaks, it is like the words come from everywhere around them, emanating from the books and the shelves and the dust that used to be human skin of those who had gotten lost in the deep labyrinth of the library.  _ I Want Your Friendship _ , it says, and while Quill blanches, Jay's eyebrows knit together in confusion.

“What?” he asks, fear making him brave and foolish and cocky. "Like, do you want to be one of our friends? I'm sure that-" His voice is cut off by Quill elbowing him in the side, and the rest of his breath comes out of his lungs all at once.

_ No _ , it says, the slightest trace of amusement tinging its voice. Quill knows just how easily that good humor could disappear, and prays to all the gods she didn’t believe in that Jay wouldn't say anything more. Her belief had gotten them both here, but she knows that it can’t carry them any further.  _ I Want The _  Essence  _ Of Your Relationship. It Has Grown With The Years. It Holds Power. And, _  it says, swiveling its terrible, ageless, blind but still all-seeing gaze towards Jay.  _ It Is All That You Believe In. _

Any breath that Jay had regained is trapped in his throat. He doesn’t know about deals, he doesn’t know how this will shake down, he doesn’t know where Blue is, but he  _ did _  know that this friendship was one of the only things he has. A phrase that had surrounded him ever since he stepped foot on the campus of Elsewhere University echoes in the static of his mind.

_ Gamble nothing you cannot lose. _  When he had first come to the university, he had nothing to lose. He didn’t know his future, he didn’t know his friends, he didn’t know his past. That has all changed by now, and the realization that he finally had something to lose hits him like a train, like the wind blowing through the tunnels under the bridge at the new moon, like the walls that feel like they are closing in around him.

_ No.  _ The word sits on the tip of his tongue, and he can see Quill shaking beside him. She had not been the one to ask The One Who Knows what it wanted, and so she can not refuse his offer. Tension is strung through every muscle, every bone, every cell of her body, and he can see the way her mouth is clenched shut to keep herself from speaking. He doesn’t want to lose her, he  _ can’t _  lose her, he-

But then his thoughts are pulled, as has been the case as of late, to Blue. The ticks and fidgets, the way he had to have things in perfect threes, the strength and solidness that sometimes seemed to simmer just beneath his skin even when moments after he would shake apart like a incorrectly constructed puzzle. All those things that made him  _ Blue _ , and all those things that made Jay realize that he loved him.

He feels himself falling apart, these two opposing pulls threatening to rip him into pieces.  _ No _ . Coughing, clearing the cobwebs that had cluttered his throat, clearing the pathway from his lungs to his vocal chords to his mouth, Jay prepares to speak. Even though his words don’t hold the same conviction as Quill’s – they never had, with how little belief he had in what he had to say –they are still the most powerful thing he had when dealing with the Fair Folk.

"You can't have it," Jay says, biting back the curses that he wants to tack on the end of the phrase, sprinkle them between the words like salt, throw them as darts at the ageless being he faces. "There has to be another way. Isn't- isn't there always, with you? Isn't that how it's supposed to work?"

The expression of The One Who Knows turns stormy, not pleased to have its offer turned down. Quill blinks away the tears that had begun to gather in her eyes like thunderclouds and lets her lightning voice crash down. "You still have two more offers to make," she says, keeping her gaze locked on the terrifying and, empty eyes of the faerie that bubbles and warpes across from them. "I gave three offers, and so you may" – you must, the angry, hopeful, rule-oriented part of her brain supplies – "give three offers as well, as is custom."

_ Who Are You To Lecture Me About Custom, _  The One Who Knows booms, voice shaking the dust from the corners that it had tried to find safety in.  _ I Will Give You Two More Offers, But If Those Are Refused As Well, Your Boy Is Mine. _  The word Forever hangs heavy and unsaid in the thick air.

Quill nods, accepting the terms and knowing not to push any further. Jay tenses and jerks his head up and down beside her, his roiling rage being held back only by the thought that  _ if I fuck this up, I’ll lose Blue forever. _

_ The Boy Is The One Who Can Accept Or Deny My Offers, _  The One Who Knows says. Again, the two students nod, knowing not to ask for more than they could hope to be given.  _ My Second Offer Is This: One Of You Will Take His Place. You Will Not Be Treated As Kindly As He Is Being Treated, But He Will Be Returned To The Remaining. You May Choose Which Will Stay With Me And Mine, And They Will Not Be Able To Be Returned. And They Will Not Be Able To Escape, For If They Do, The One Who Is Mine Will Be Brought Back To Me. _

Jay swallows around the knot of fear in his throat. He knows that he would never – could never – leave Quill; after all, he had not given up their friendship, so he will not give  _ her _  up. For a moment, the thought of sacrificing himself in some martyr-like action crosses his mind, but in that moment he also knows that he is too much of a coward. He hides that thought under the guise of not wanting Blue and Quill to suffer without him, but he knows that he is a coward, too afraid to sacrifice himself to this being that he  _ still _  had trouble believing, to give up the life that he had somehow curated into one he legitimately cared about, to give up  _ himself _ .

"No," he repeats. "We won't leave anyone behind." The One Who Knows scowls and the air around it grows thick with darkened potential, but it nods in agreement. If its offer is rejected, there is nothing it can do.

Quill and Jay grow closer together, tightly enough that their shoulders press together and they become one.  _ My Final Offer, _  The One Who Knows booms,  _ Is One Of Memories _ . Jay tenses, Quill grits her teeth, and together they wait for it to continue speaking.  _ The Boy In My Possession Will Lose All Memories Of You. The Time That You Have Known Each Other Will Be Given To Me As He Is Returned To The Humans Of The University. You, And You, _  it says, turning to level its gaze on the two humans.  _ As Well As Any Of Your Associates, Will Be Forbidden From Making Unprompted Contact With Him. Unless He Attempts To Contact You Of His Own Volition, You Will Not See Him Again. If You Do, He Will Be Brought Back To Me. _

With each word, Jay feels himself curl more into himself. To keep all of them alive and well and far, far from this creature, he is willing to accept almost anything. He tells himself this, words repeating like a broken record, but the thought of Blue losing all the memories that they had created makes him want to vomit right on The One Who Knows. He weighs the odds, feels Quill’s fingernails digging into the back of his hand the same way his are doing to hers, tucked the memories close to his heart, and nods.

"I accept your offer," he says.  _ You absolute shitbucket _ , he thinks, lips screwed up to hold back the words he wants to hurl around the dead and dusty room.  _ You fucking monster, with your fucking deals that make no fucking sense, fine. Fine. You can take his memories, and I can’t do anything to fucking stop it, but at least he will be free. Fine. _

 

~*~*~

 

Blue finds the radio show the same as he did the first time, full of the emptiness of missing memories and a deep loneliness that he can’t explain as he lies awake in the middle of the night. He hears talk, whispers, rumors of a show that pushes back the dark, and so decides to tune in.

For the second time, although he is certain that it’s the first, he is drawn in by the voice of this boy and his cackling humor, although there is a certain sadness that wasn’t there in the before that Blue doesn’t remember.

The first time around, Jay and Blue got together with less fuss than would be expected: Blue approached Jay after class, Jay threw the other boy his number on a palm-sweaty piece of paper (but was careful not to let it touch the ground, because the earth within the bounds of Elsewhere University had the tendency to scramble words – there is a reason that the library is built on concrete, that the book bags are never placed directly on the dirt, that important conversations are never held in the park (although that last one is partially due to those who Listen, as well)).

The second time around, Blue’s mental health had taken a nosedive. His support system was swept from under his feet without him even realizing that he was missing it, and a loneliness and self deprecation equal to Jay’s threatened to overtake him because of this. Even when he realizes that the person who he has spent his late-night-early-mornings listening to is in his class (what class it is, he still isn’t sure. the topic seems to change so frequently and he’s never quite clear on what he learned), he doesn’t make the first move towards trying to talk to him.

Besides, anytime Blue tries to catch Jay’s eye, Jay turns away, never looking at him for more than a second. (Blue never catches sight of the fear that rattles in Jay’s lungs when he realizes that what he is doing could be considered making contact with Blue, because it’s bad enough that Blue has forgotten him, but at least he is  _ here _ . If he disappeared again and his memories were still gone and there was no hope of bringing him back, Jay wasn’t sure what he would do.) (He knew that it wouldn’t end well for anyone.)

And so, they are held in limbo: Jay cannot talk to Blue for obvious reasons, and even if he could, he most likely wouldn’t be able to pull his head far enough out of his ass enough to do it. Blue doesn’t remember him and Jay’s memories are raw to the touch, and he still subconsciously pulls out his phone to text Blue every so often before seeing the empty text logs and the tempting blinking cursor and he is so afraid because he almost destroyed everything.

_ Again _ , his mind whispers, but he shoves it to the side. As usual.

Blue will not talk to Jay because he idolizes the friendship that Quill and Jay have even more than he did the first time (after all, now it feels even more like he has never experienced this feeling of friendship than it did before. Having something taken away is worse than never having had it in the first place). He is shunned by Jay anytime he tries to make nonverbal contact and he understands it; after all, Jay is something of a celebrity in his mind: this is a boy with confidence (that he doesn’t know is faked), a radio show (that Jay doesn’t feel he deserves), and a cocky smirk that is cold and callous (that Blue doesn’t know comes from a loss that he doesn’t understand, as this just seems to be the way it has always been).

Eventually, Quill (and thus Jay) start to make more of an attempt to connect to their listeners.

They set up a phone number to text with questions and comments, and although Blue doesn’t respond and some of the responses are legitimately creepy (some are the normal human type of creepy and skeevy, but they have gotten a few prophecies that they’ve set aside. Tips like staying inside when the mists are thin on Thursdays, like how the next cat they see will be Important, like how it will be imperative to carry your salt on next Wednesday, as well as whatever other protections you have) but some of the responses make them more human to the listeners, make them closer to home and more honest and more  _ real _ .

Quill stops Jay from inviting their listeners to just walk up and talk to him "about anything!" (because that’s dangerous, inviting who-knows-who and who-knows-what into your life, especially when not all listeners are tuning in with good intent), but he still mentions that “if you see me during the daytime, feel free to tell me how much you love the show.” His put-on grin stays firmly pulled across his lips, even when Quill is the only person there who can see it.

He’s still cocky and fake as ever and shrinking in on himself even as he takes up as much space as he can, and he is an intimidating presence without meaning it. As much as he wants to run up to Blue and shake his shoulders and yell (but not yell, because he’s seen more of Blue’s tears than he needs in this life) “ _ WHY WON’T YOU REMEMBER ME?” _

He knows that he won’t, because he knows the answer. He knows the bargain he made, the price he paid, and he would do it again in a heartbeat.

Still, Blue does not approach. He doesn’t speak up in class (as usual), he lurks in the greenhouse while avoiding the Fair Folk that lurk there as well (as usual), and he returns home to his dorm with a void beside him that his brain fills with static (which is new, although he doesn’t really realize that).

In the end, what forces them to talk seems like something incredibly banal.

The teacher of the Class that they share introduces group projects, and before the common shuffle of who chooses what and where and who, they hold up a hand. (It is pointed by a faerie deal, fingernails elongated and impossible to cut or hide (the members of the class aren’t sure whether that was the result of a win or a loss.))

They announce that they are to choose the partners of this project, and there is no way to get around or change it (from the student's perspective, it looks like this was the teacher's idea. The students don’t see the crows that Blue befriended and how they pull the strings of favors, how even though Blue forgot Jay they did not. After all, crows are intelligent and respected and feared for a good reason, and the gifts they’ve given to Blue seem a little flat as of late. They know the rules of the deal, and as they are not associates of Jay, their intervention will not come to ruin.)

Blue and Jay are placed as partners, unsurprisingly, and as Blue shuffles his papers back into his bag and walks over to where Jay lounges, feet up on the desk next to him, carefully avoiding looking at the boy that he loves who is approaching for the first time in what must be over a month, Blue sits on the edge of the seat and puts his bag on the floor.

"Hi, I'm- I go by Blue." He held out a hand and Jay, doing his best to keep up a cool and casual facade, turned and took hold of it (his best was not very good).

“Jay."

Hidden under that one word, short and clipped, were all the built up things that he had wanted to say while Blue had forgotten his existence.

_ Hello. _

_ I miss you. Nerd. _

_ What’s up? _

_ I love you, dweebass. _

_ I’m sorry. _

**Author's Note:**

> Written for an AU of an AU, come talk to me about it at @the-IPRE on tumblr.


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